Addiction, Depression, Anger, Frustration — this is the cycle that has taken my mind into the most automatonic sequence that I have ever encountered in life this far. I am capable of recognising this in the past and I am actually cogniscent at any given time of what the “prudent” and “wise” course of action is. Unfortunately the upshot of the knowledge does not translate to the desire to behave in this “better” way. Or to put it another way — knowing that shutting up and putting up is the most highly rewarded path — i still feel justified in being angry as fuck and will (can?) not supress it — As a result I am fixated on revenge and the repayment of pain with interest and on this path I am a master craftsmen at his desk.Â
 I feel that the level of detachment that is demanded by so many philosophical schools of thought is a mechanism whereby I can get out of the cycle, however, when there have been times that i have successfully cultivated detachment to this level I have not been able to recognise myself and the judgement I make on myself when so acting is harsh!.Â
So with identity closely linked to engagement and reactivity and the result of this being a cycle of damaging and maliflous behaviour that are in effect robbing me of the happiness that I am striving for I have to make a decision. A less engaged and safer mind state or the unrelenting and more justified extension of my current path and the damage that will cause to myself. huh — no choice!
 Any tips for coming to peace with powerlessness?
Lucid, cogent and oh how succinct. You, sir, are a scholar.
Tips? If directed advice has had any bearing on my life, it’s been in those situations where it’s allowed me to rebel against it. So I’m not gonna give any.
I will however admit (in light of your honesty) that my cycle is thus: addiction, depression, fleeting times of joy and happiness that I value above all else, and anger directed, variously, at misguided targets and wholly deserving ones such as politicians, my boss etc.
‘pop psychology 101’: choose your battles. what the fuck do I know… my liver is not happy with me.
The answer to this dillema has become clear… there is only love and there is only love and there is only love….. everything else is poison.
I am done with analysis and have embarked on a path of radical behaviour change. To love someone is to be willing to endure limitless pain to make them happy. I can reach for love or I can reach for my ego. I have chosen love. Every moment of suffering is an expression of that love. You show love by your actions and not your words and for a verbose egotist like myself that has been the hardest lesson to learn. Now I only have hope and great effort and the knowledge that whatever the results – I am transformed by the crucible and will be stronger and happier and more authentic at the end of this trial. In short — You can be selfish and selfless simultaneously if you fill you heart with love and goodness.
And just in case you think Im drunk or stoned — Im the straitest I have ever been in years…………………
A